Five Fun Things For the Homme

Dear My Apartment,

Are you ever scared, that someday, maybe even someday soon, I will fill you with so much garbagetreasure that you will look like the home of a deranged collector, forced to live alone forever because no one could ever love someone who buried himself in so many objects? I do. But sometimes I see something pretty and my eyes turn into spirals like the snake in “The Jungle Book” and I just have to have it. Regardless of whether it fits in my place or not. Luckily I have been finding a lot of tiny, apartment-size treasures lately. Below are five of my favorite recent finds.

1. Landscape Painting. $37.50 from Missouri Mouse (St. Paul YO!).

Why do I love seascapes so much? Why do they make my heart feel complete? When did Zac Efron turn into a man? The world is so confusing.

2. Brass Crab. $75 from Casa Victoria. 

Yes, I hear you. It was hard spending $75 on a vintage brass crab. But they I was like “Self, it’s a brass crab, go for it!” And then everything was ok.

3. Vintage German Brass Scissors. $6 from Antique Alley in Santa Barbara.

I’m sorry. Did these scissors change your life yet? They really make me happy. I spent a few minutes chopping paper this morning for no reason other than to ogle these babies.

4. Glamourous Brass Candlesticks. $2.99 each from St. Vincent de Paul. 

St. Vincent de Paul is always an adventure. Mainly because the place is DISGUSTING. Like everything smells like rotting birds and whenever you touch anything you get dirt all over your hands and face and look like a chimney sweep from “Mary Poppins.” But then sometimes you find something cool and it makes all the filth worth it. Or is it worth it? [Applies scabies medication].

5. The World’s Most Depressing Book. $20 from Missouri Mouse. 

I will probably never read this book, but the title and the cover are perhaps the most important contribution to literature in the history of time.

The cover really deserves a second look. I mean, check out that diagram. “DESCENDANTS??” Part of me wants to read this and another part of me realizes I would probably want to commit suicide immediately upon finishing the first chapter.

5. Ceramic Planter. $10 from Long Beach Flea market. A gift from my (stunningly gorgeous) friend Matthew Lanphier.

I love geometric objects and plants, so this thing was right up my alley. Fun fact: did you know that if you live in an apartment and don’t feel like getting dirt all over the place most nurseries will pot plants for you for little to nothing? Mickey’s Plants in Los Angeles does it, as does Seven Day Nursery in Santa Barbara, where I got this guy planted. Having it planted at a store is helpful because then you don’t have random half-empty bags of dirt in your apartment. Speaking of bags of dirt, all men are dirtbags. Including me. That is all.

5. Whale Book. $10 from Mall of St. Paul. 

I couldn’t resist this book because it is the exact hue I like of aqua, my very favorite color. Also, that 1950s typography really does something for me. Something sexual and raw and unexpected. I think I need to be alone…

Ok, so you probably realized that was more than five items. I tried to make it seem like five by repeating five three times, but you probably caught on to me. This is something a lot of hoarders do. Saying they bought less than they really did. If you need me I’ll be at a mental institution undergoing electrotherapy for my hoarding addiction.

Love,
Orlando