Dear Gays,
Are you, like me, still hungover from celebrating New Years? Did you mean to have tons of resolutions this year, but now you’re too braindead and irritated to think of any? Well you’re in luck, because I’ve taken the liberty of thinking of some resolutions for you. Living by these rules will bring you much success (and a man!) in 2013. I promise.
1. Go on a weird diet that freaks everyone out.
Whatever your body composition is, why not change it up for 2013? If, like me, you went a little crazy with eating and drinking during the holiday season, it’s time to go on a terrifying diet that will cause everyone around you to think you’re totally anorexic. And then you’ll be like “No I’m not!” (While chewing on a celery stick, wondering how many calories are in it). I tried this Crazy Vegetable-Based Diet a few months ago and it totally worked. The one downside was that it filled me with uncontrollable rage, but it was worth it because afterwards I looked like this guy (Kind of. Not really):
Ok, maybe I didn’t look exactly like that guy. But how much does that picture make you want to run on the beach in a Speedo? It seems pretty unjust that we live in world where we have to work and stuff when really we should all be running half-naked in the warm sun. Speaking of which, Warm Sun? Are you there? I miss you. Unfortunately, after I did that Crazy Vegetable- Based Diet, I ate my feelings at Christmas and now I feel like this:
Which is fine, just another reason to go on a weird diet so that I, like Oprah, can inspire people to get in shape.
For those of you who already have the perfect body, why not try being obese in 2013? This way you can see what life is like for the rest of us and why everyone hates you. And then you can get skinny again and your newfound humility will make you more attractive and finally a man will fall in love with you and you will be happy. Because happiness is dependent on a man loving you. Trust me, I learned this from watching movies based on Jane Austen novels.
2. Stack your phones.
I’d never heard of this practice until I was schooled by my sister and her posse of awesome San Francisco Lesbians (the best kind). Here’s how Phone Stacking works. When you are at dinner with friends, your lover, or a rich relative that you tricked into taking you to a fancy restaurant, you stack your phones and promise not to touch them for the remainder of the meal. Some groups even impose penalties on those who fail to leave their phone in the stack (i.e. they have to buy a round of drinks or give everyone $100). Being that half my social interactions involve me sitting in a room with other people staring into other screens whilst ignoring each other, I love the idea of stacking phones and showing those you are with they are worthy of your attention.
3. Stop comparing yourself to other people.
Every time my boyfriend and I get ready to go to the Gay Beach and or a Gay Beach-Themed pool party, I put on my favorite tank top and I’m ready to go. Then I see my boyfriend is wearing an even tinier tank top in an even brighter/more exciting color than mine. So then I put on a tinier/brighter tank top. Then he sees that and puts on an even tinier/brighter tank top. This goes on until we are wearing nothing but threads and basically look like homeless male prostitutes.
The moral of the story is to stop wanting what everyone else has. The more you compare yourself with other people the more you’re going to get frustrated by what they have that you don’t. Keep in mind that they are probably jealous of something you have. And if they’re not, they should be. Your hair has been looking really good lately. If you must compare yourself to other people, make sure you’re comparing yourself with those who are inferior to you.
4. Take pride in your home and make it beautiful.
Photo by Stephen Busken
Taking pride in your home means that you take pride in your life. If you allow your space to be cluttered and unconsidered, you are telling yourself you’re not worth anything better. Either that or you are just lazy. It should be everyone’s resolution not to be lazy this year. Thus, make a point to do something to your space to make it beautiful. Paint a room. Buy a new rug. Make a giant drawing and hang it above the sofa. Do something to show yourself that you deserve to be surrounded by beautiful things. If decorating your place sounds scary, boring, or annoying, hire one of these homosexuals to do it for you:
(Pictured above are yours truly and Internationally Renowned Interior Designer Matthew Lanphier).
If the idea of a homosexual decorating your house fills you with Gay Panic, hire a blonde girl with really big hair:
5. Do cute stuff with your Boyfriend (or Pretend Boyfriend) and take pictures of it.
As gay men, we don’t have a lot of cute couple role models. Yes, Neil Patrick Harris and his husband are ridiculously adorable. But is that all we get? I see tons of cute pictures of my straight couple friends all over Facebook. But rarely do I see cute gay guys canoodling each other or cooking dinner. And I want to. This means if you’re part of a gay couple, it is your duty to represent yourself. Do it for the children, but more importantly do it for me. Looking at pictures of cute gay couples fulfills me almost as much as looking at pictures of Ricky Martin lounging on the beach with his babies:
6. Get off Facebook.
Ok, I seriously doubt this is going to happen but I really wish it would. What happens on Facebook? Nothing. Facebook is an endless stream of information from gay hookers, people who hated you in high school, and strangers who want to wear your skin as a dress. I know this, and I hate it, but how many hours do I spend on it every day? 19. Why am I doing this to myself? This will be the year that I permanently delete my account. Just as soon as I update my status one more time…
7. Respect your ElderGays.
Face it, our gay elders had way cooler clothes than us, they fought for rights and privileges we enjoy, and they did it all whilst battling a terrifying disease that killed all their friends. Befriend older gay guys. They’re more interesting than you and me and they have tons of great stories. And money.
8. Don’t wait until you’ve had seven vodka drinks to address issues with friends and loved ones.
Remember that one time you waited until you were black out drunk to tell your best friend that you’d secretly been in love with him for six years? And then somehow you ended up fistfighting his current boyfriend in the back yard of a multimillion dollar Hollywood Hills estate? And then you woke up the next morning on top of a car wearing nothing but your super cheesy Aussie Bum undies and a party hat?
Here’s a thought, maybe you should have had that conversation when you were sober. That way, you could have expressed your feelings without acting like a total weirdo. Like me, you should feel free to talk about your feelings to whomever will listen. Even if their ears start bleeding and the run screaming from you after you’ve talked their ears off for 45 minutes about how your grandma always called you fat.
9. Grow a beard.
Because why not? They look hot. Here is more evidence:
10. Enjoy our beautiful planet before it’s engulfed in flames due to global warming and the upcoming end of days.
Some Gays choose to vacation on cheesy Gay cruises where everyone is on steroids and everyone feasts on ecstasy pills and protein powder whilst listening to circuit music on deck:
Don’t be one of those Gays. Instead, take a vacation to a beautiful, natural place. Often, gay homosexuals are too busy talking about Europe to notice there are a lot of nearby beautiful places to visit. If you’re in New York, flee to Storm King or the Dia:Beacon. If you’re in Southern California, take a hike at Tar Creek or take a gaggle of Gays and go camping at Catalina (I did that last year and it was to die for). The possibilities are endless. The world is a big beautiful place waiting for you to dive in:
So, there you have it. Your resolutions for 2013. Get to it, Gays!
You’re Welcome,
Orlando
Are you going to grow a beard now?
Hell NO! Beards should ONLY be grown is someone is paying you to have one! Who wants to look like one of the Smith Bros. cough drops??
I do! Beards are the sexiest thing a guy can accessorize with 🙂
I concur. Facial hair is an abomination. The rest of these are so good that I suspect he wrote that one ironically.
Wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong. Beards can be incredibly hot. As evidenced by the photos in the article. Of course, they have to be done right. You have to maintain it, trim it, shampoo/condition it, and all that other stuff to make yourself look hot and not hobo. But it’s well worth it.
Yay! More beards in 2013!!!
lov3 it 🙂
Totally! Lov3 this list 🙂
Brilliant post! Love it! 😉
I think you write these articles to make yourself look and seem shallow, but honest true, you are shallow.
I agree.
i think that’s harsh and inappropriate, this guy is trying to give you some advice, just because you disagree with some of what he says doesn’t mean that he’s a bad person. we each have different opinions about everything, so another resolution, (please?) try to give people credit for what they do for others even if they screw up (not saying you have Orlando, i thought it was very insightful) show them ways in which they can improve. x
I definitely need to start rocking number 5. Also can keep being fabulous and awesome be a resolution? Awebulous?
I seriously need to start rocking number 5. And can keep being fabulous and awesome be added to the list? Awebulous?
2013 shall truly be the year of the ‘pretend boyfriend.’
I will do all of these things except grow a beard, though that is an ability that sometimes I get jealous of.
Thank you Orlando. The world is a big beautiful place. I am diving in!!!
Number 3 would be easy if it wasn’t for Instagram and Tumblr. 🙂
Orlando is very funny and witty. But this blog shows just how truly shallow, narcissistic, and materialistic gay white male culture is. Most gay white men in the US live relatively privileged lives, so they can afford to be as superficial as this. Notice that all of the photos (except for Ricky Martin) are of attractive gay white men or couples, including Orlando himself. So this post really shouldn’t be addressed to all/most gay men, only gay white elitists who delight in each other’s superficiality.
Agreed. I noticed this as I was reading this post as well. As a gay black man, I felt pretty much left out of this conversation. While I can do most of these things, and have done most of them already, it would be nice to be ‘spoken to’ versus completely left out of the conversation. I love being gay and I love our culture, but at times we forget that we are more diverse than any subculture group in the world and we need to recognize that. Not just beautiful, thin, white men. Here’s a New Years resolution for all us gays; open your mind to the fact that gay does not equate to just white. Plus, I look damn good with my beard. 🙂
Definitely agree. White gay experience does not equal all gay experience, nor is it my goal in life.
What the hell does race have to do with this discussion? Are respecting your elders, enjoying the planet, growing a beard or getting off of Facebook exclusive to “white elitist?”
I feel the same way. As a gay black male I have done just about all of these things but it is very interesting to not see one photo of a gay man of another ethnicity…. but hey when your inner circles are devoid of any diversity what can one expect….
Gay Asian male here in total agreement. Except I don’t grow enough hair for a beard!
Agreed. The lack of diversity on this list is disturbing and gross. Got here via Towleroad and was expecting something better, but got a dose of whitewashing brainwashing instead (it doesnt matter if it was intentional or not, it is stlll effed up). I’m glad to see other queers of color speaking out though, tres bien. new years resolution 4 every gay should be: call bullshit on white gay racism and classism when you see it. You’re welcome!
A blog by a gay white man features articles aimed at gay white men, including pictures of attractive white men. Heavens, the scandal!
Give me a break. There are plenty of gay blogs by and for blacks, Hispanics, and whatever have you, which make no bones about being exactly that. Why not visit those blogs instead?
Yes! I was scrolling through all those photos of beautiful bearded men and asking myself, where are all the beautiful black men in their wonderful beards?! In fact, where are the black (or brown or asian) men in this whole post? I loved everything written in this post (yes I’m a straight woman but I can apply a lot of this to my own life…except the bit about growing beards) but the images are leaving a whole lot of people out.
Your comment shows how whiny and irritating Progressives / Neo-Marxists from large cities and leftist campuses have become. Instead of feeding your manufactured envy neurosis by reading websites like these, go loiter on websites that soothe your worldview.
I’m not sure how anything I said in my original comment counts as “neo-Marxist” or “leftist.” “Envy neurosis” is not a term of use in psychology or psychiatry. Perhaps the suggestion is that non-white gays like me are just jealous of the disproportionately privileged status of gay white men in the gay male community in America. The trouble, of course, is that those who are privileged engage in rhetoric and practices which both deliberately and unwittingly exclude gay men of color. The selection of almost exclusively Caucasian photos in this blog post is just a small example of this. Phil’s comment above is telling:
“A blog by a gay white man features articles aimed at gay white men, including pictures of attractive white men. Heavens, the scandal!”
This comment acknowledges that the blog post is aimed primarily at gay white men. It is therefore clearly exclusionary because it nonetheless claims to address all “gays,” even if the tenor of the post is sarcastic and facetious. The only real difference is that, unlike several non-white gay participants on this thread, Phil doesn’t seem to think that any of this is a problem.
I actually don’t agree. As a gay, completely out of shape, not that attractive, white man– I resonated with all of these and think they transcend the gay population to the entire human race. It’s about the standard stuff: accept yourself, appreciate the world, try something new, connect with those around you. If you’ve done all of these, congratulations! You’re ahead of a lot of us. But that has nothing to do with race– it has to do with your mentality.
I’d have to only partially agree. I think the points made are universal so anyone can take something from it. I enjoyed most of the actual, written content. But the pictures are what kinda kill it.
It’s interesting that he says how hot beards are, yet he only displays one type of guy with beards. No love for the bears, black men, latinos, etc., even though just about any “type” can grow a nice, full beard. It’s also kind of telling that he wants to see more images of gay couples, yet he only posts images of white couples. Unfortunately, we’re not in a post-racial society like some people claim, and that’s blatantly evident in the gay community, and this kind of reinforces my (and a lot of other people’s) view that minorities aren’t nearly as in-demand.
I’ll admit that I’ve never visited this website before and IDK the author’s story, so feel free to call me out on my lack of knowledge, but it does make me wonder if minorities, bears, etc. even register on his radar. It just seems to me that, if someone has connections to a diverse range of people on a regular basis, they’d be more apt to naturally seek out a diverse range of images representing that.
I don’t know anything about Orlando or what kind of guys he likes/dates/is friends with, but even if he is turned on by skinny white guys, that doesn’t mean he’s shallow, narcissistic or materialistic, it means he’s turned on by skinny white guys (with beards).
I’m not a skinny white guy, my boyfriend isn’t a skinny white guy, but I can still read this post and chuckle and project myself into what Orlando is writing about. If you can’t do the same, it’s your failing, not Orlando’s.
u da man. on. the. money. happy new year.
Orlando, Adorable list . Merci.. André,
I love when you write these hilarious puff (sorry, informative) pieces. I’ve already got the beard and I will be spending 2012/13 traveling (it’s what my blog is about – kind of) so I have that covered.
Question: how can you appreciate the pictures of me and my boyfriend doing cute things if I can’t post them on Facebook?
wow, i’m sorry there are so many sassy responses, because i always love your balance of sincerity and wit and this post is one of the best. happy new year!
sorry–posted this before seeing jeremy’s response (which is completely valid), just wanted to send out some encouragement and definitely didn’t mean to be exclusionary at all with my own comment…
Great post!
I find your writing to always contain truth & humor, and I always feel it broadens my world a bit, living in the little secluded woods of northern Minnesota. Where people don’t talk about this stuff.
Love the phone stacking bit. And my husband & I just watched “Jeremiah Johnson” two nights ago, so I just spent a length of time watching young Robert Redford with a full beard. I think the beard was the best part of the movie. 🙂
PS: Orlando, I meant to share with you way back – your navy & gray fashion post somewhat inspired our family holiday photo this year. With much less finesse.. but still. http://ourfunwithfive.blogspot.com/2012/12/tis-season-our-2012-christmas-letter.html
That was great! Thanks!!
What? Nothing in there about getting off Crystal Meth??? Or Coke? Or both???
Nothing in there about “stop lying to your boyfriend/partner.”
Nothing in there about “stop living for the next party?”
Nothing in there about getting a real job?
Nothing in there about “using safe sex with tricks?”
And I should repeat the “Stop lying to your boyfriend/partner.”
Those should have been on the list !!
This is very inspiring. These are exactly my New Years resolution. Kick ass one!
Wait!?!?! Your gay?
🙂
Happy New Year Orlando!
From the Ravals
(Sage, Manish, Indra and Joaquin!)
I love how the “respect your elder gays” is the shortest of the list. Real respectful there.
Ricky Martin is Latino. There’s a black guy in the elder gay picture and an Asian fellow in the fight scene. Are the lesbians going to complain that there aren’t any women?
they should! haha
You HAVE to be kidding…
The elder gay picture is just a picture of Freddie Mercury, and the fight scene is from Fight Club.
If you have a beautiful body, you either worked your ass off to get or was lucky enough to be born that way. Either way celebrate it! Show if off! Because one day you won’t have it. Those memories will keep you comfort. Because beauty fades but dumb is forever.
Merci
Hello, Orlando.
I’m Brazilian and my English is a big bull shit!
So I had a translator online!
And I wanted to say thanks for the resolutions.
I can not even go visit Storm King or Tar Creek!
But I do that with some cities near Sao Paulo, where I live!
And start that diet…
And again, thank you!
From an ancient gay elder (41) in Alabama, I would also like to point out there is life between NYC and Los Angeles. Roll Tide!
Great post! I especially loved the satire in the beginning…if it was truly satire. Haha.
Thought you would enjoy this
As a blond American, I also felt left out of the conversation.
There’s not one good looking beard in that whole bunch. Beards are passe’ and make you look old.
For the haters on this post, your New Year’s resolution should be to spend more time with your shrink, especially those of you who brought race into it. Lighten up. It’s funny and just a little true. Perhaps too true? I love “righteous indignation” because generally it’s hurled about by those least qualified to do so. Me? I’ve already grown a beard. But I’m always riding the lip of the hip wave 😉 And I’ve tried that diet. One word: diarrhea. But that does help you to be thin, so whatever 🙂
Whoops, you apparently forgot your most important one, be a white dude. Guh, I always forget that my value is how white and male I am!
Now that I am an elderly bitch…
your example of a ‘gay elder’ is freddie mercury? the man who came out the day before he died of aids, a virus he infected hundreds of men with? really? respect him? NO THANKS
Reblogged this on thejohnnyspot and commented:
I have never posted another author’ s work on thejohnnyspot but this is too good to not share. While reading it I resolved to start posting about WE topics rather than ME topics in 2013. Given that I AM on a Facebook break, I HAVE posted pics of the boyfriend & I doing things, and I WILL implement phone- stacking , why try recreate the wheel when it’s been done so well by The Hommemaker. Enjoy all.
Number 2 we call “phone roulette.” First person to touch their phone before the bill arrives pays the bill, anyone after buys a round of drinks. It’s funny to watch the relief on everyone’s face once the bill finally arrives. Then you see why we do it to begin with as everyone immediately ignores each other in favor of their phone.
Thanks for the light-hearted look at resolutions, it brought a smile to my face.
I think one in three Denver queens have a beard. Never seen so many in my life but it is burly manly hot!
Loved this. Thanks Orlando. Amazing resolutions, with a dash of humour. Let’s pay it forward in 2013. *Presses Print*
i read this a bit late. very fun read.. i look at the bearded men in the pics and all i could think is:
THEY WOULD BE SO HOOOT IF THEY SHAVED THOSE OFF!
Love, love, loved this. Lots to do this year. Thank you
Well, Orlando you have really done it now. What a great post! love all the comments, love the elder respect ( naturally). Keep up the good work and the time put into it. Your older but oh so wise friend, Kevin
Bears are in (have been for the past few years) very sexy on certain people! Transforms them from preppy to edgy #sexy
One more comment on beards. The only purpose they serve is to hide things, least of all the beautiful lines of the face—what else is left up to your subconscious demons.
Beards were invented by the Neanderthals and kept in the modern world by those who couldn’t, wouldn’t or were too lazy to shave. Those who find them sexually attractive may be as superficial as those who wear them—or have serious daddy issues.
I don’t think beards were invented as they grow right out of the face. I’m sure in the beginning they were helpful to shield against cold weather. Hair styles have grown and changed throughout the years as have facial hair styles. There are no correlations between beards and any personal or psychological issues.
Pretty judgmental. I’m glad you shave.
Self-hatred! But self-acceptance! Don’t compare yourself to others! But grow a beard! Get off Facebook! But I don’t see enough pictures of white gay couples, so post more pictures of that on Facebook!
wow….. the world is falling at the seam’s…. all people can do is talk about what you should do and can do….. really. just to forget what it’s really all about… i watch’d WE WERE HERE on netflix… i’m from the generation when AIDS hit the gay community really hard… fortunately the ol man up stairs gave another chances at life. if everyone in the gay community would get a sense of the struggle that we went through during those try’n time’s… they would understand that true morals is what should be first and for most in the life we live today…. it dosen’t matter weather if you black, white, latino, asian or from mars… humility is the best thing to have in live… humility which has a bad taste in the majority of us gays these days should be practice with up most integrity… there are day’;s i wish i could turn back the clock… but i’ve been dealt a hand that i’ll continue to play for the rest of my life knowing that i came along way be’n on this earth for 49 years… i got the body that would put any supperficial at bay… god bless me for living this long with hiv and a recovering addict…..
Some dudes look good/ better with facial hair, some don’t. You should figure out which one you are and than ask youself “what would Oprah do?”
LOVE THE BEARDS. Every one of them.
I have issue with number 6.
“As gay men, we don’t have a lot of cute couple role models. Yes, Neil Patrick Harris and his husband are ridiculously adorable. But is that all we get? I see tons of cute pictures of my straight couple friends all over Facebook. But rarely do I see cute gay guys canoodling each other or cooking dinner. And I want to. This means if you’re part of a gay couple, it is your duty to represent yourself. Do it for the children, but more importantly do it for me.”
My personal life is none of your bussiness and if we wanted to be part of your culture we’d be hitting up the circuit parties together while looking for the next best fling. There’s a reason I don’t post these types of photos or volunarily exclude myself from your world. You can pine all you want but until you give up the “partyboy” lifestyle you’ll never have what I have and I don’t want to share my partner or my children with you. I’ve been with the same person for 8 years and the reason we’re sucessful is because we’re NOT part of your culture.
I feel that your request of imagry is a purely selfish one.
So, #5 may have been the best thing I read all week (maybe all month). I couldn’t agree more. So glad I stumbled upon you and your blog.