Um, What Is That On Your Face? [Evolution Man Product Review]

Dear Lovers of Facial Products for Men,

Every morning when I wake up, I look just like this:

I know what you’re thinking. Not my best look. I’ve had a hard, hard life. But don’t lose hope! After a good face scrubbing using an industrial sander I apply 17 layers of facial creams, elixirs, eye gels, bronzers, and anti-aging serums made from baby elephants. And after all that I look like this:

Okay, just kidding. I don’t really look like that either. That picture took hours of Zoolander eye smoldering, photoshopping, dreaming, and lamenting the fact that I don’t actually look like an anime character (which apparently is what all modern advertising is asking us to look like). This is what I look like in real life, sans Photoshop:

Photographs courtesy of Glamourous Celebrity Photographer Stephen Busken.

The reason Gay Dudes always look younger than the Straight Dudes is that, like Straight Women, they spend 86% of their time smearing lotion all over everything, taking breaks only to drink kombucha and sip that youth potion from “Death Becomes Her.”

One issue for men is that there aren’t a whole lot of products made specifically for us. And there’s nothing worse than feeling like a ladyface because you just smeared Lancome Rénergie Lift Volumetry Eye Cream all over yourself. Not that I’ve ever done that. (Yes I have). For Gay Homosexuals, there is nothing less attractive than smelling like a Woman’s eyeball, so it’s important to use products that don’t smell like flowers and/or old lady. This is why I’ve been so intrigued with these man products from Evolution Man. Thus, I’ve decided to review some of their key items:

Wash and Buff, $19

Do you ever have those days that are so annoying that you just want to come home and scrub your face off? There is nothing quite like extreme exfoliation to calm your nerves. Like scrubbing your face to the point it’s almost bleeding, until it’s as smooth as a baby. This product is good because it has just the right amount of exfoliants and will prevent you from sanding your epidermis off. I also like that it smells like tea tree oil, which reminds me of when I was a hippie in high school and still believed in natural remedies. I don’t think it’s a good idea to use anything stronger than this on a daily basis, but if you need a super intense scrub, I’d try Microdermabrasion Scrub from Derma E.

Verdict: Great for daily use, smells like my adolescence, I’d buy it.

Moisture Protect, $25

Would I buy something just because I liked the packaging and I wanted it to match the other products in my medicine cabinet? Yes. But I also like that this product has broad spectrum SPF and comes in a glamourous Bronzer Version for $26. And it doesn’t feel oily. Which is a big thing for me because I am constantly shiny and disgusting.

Verdict: Great daily moisture with SPF, thanks for not being oily and disgusting.

Do you remember that episode of My So-Called Life when Angela gets a zit on her chin and it, like, ruins her whole world?

Well that episode is pretty much every day of my life. Sometimes you get pimples and sometimes you don’t want to be reminded of them so sometimes you might cover them with a little something or other. This is a deep, dark secret amongst men. Some men cover their disgusting blemishes with ladymakeup. Which brings me to this product:

Conceal and Treat, $21

As far as conceal/treat things go, this one is pretty awesome. And because the packaging looks so manly, I feel 17% less like a ladyboy when I’m using it. Especially when my boyfriend barges into the bathroom, calls me a woman, and then flees the apartment in fear and disgust. This is why this type of product should probably be used secretly, in shame. And why you probably shouldn’t tell anyone you’re using it. Like I just did. Ooops.

Verdict: Being a ladyboy is better than having an Angela Chase zit on your chin, man up and buy this concealer.

Lip Balm, $10

I apply chapstick about every 4 minutes so this one is a no-brainer. Downside is that the cap tends to fall off if you keep it in your pocket because of the rubbery finish of the container. Upside is that it smells like coconuts. And it is my belief that the sole purpose of living is to smell like a coconut.

Verdict: You can never have enough lip balm, especially if it smells like coconuts.

Revitalize Eye Gel, $28

Every time I apply eye cream, I secretly expect to be immediately transformed into the beautiful teenager I never was. That didn’t necessarily happen with this product (I’ve only used it once so far) but I did like the consistency. Recently, every eye cream I use is either too thick or too runny. If it’s too thick it makes me rub so hard I practically rip out my eyeballs. If it’s too runny it looks like I’m crying milk.

Verdict: Great consistency, still waiting to transform into teenage supermodel. 

In closing, I’d like to say I was not paid for this post by Evolution Man and was free to write whatever I wanted. I have genuinely been interested in their products and wanted to review them for Hommemaker for quite some time. That being said, can I have my money now?

Love,
Orlando