All I Want For My Birthday Is Everything.

Dear Friends, Family, and Internet Strangers,

In about a week, I am going to turn 30 years old. I’ve been freaking out about a little bit. Not because I am scared of getting older. I’ve always liked older people more than younger people (Young people are idiots, am I right? I’ve always hated them). The main reason for my freak out is that when I was little I thought being 30 meant being a total grown up and I still feel like I have the maturity level of Raven Simone’s beloved namesake on That’s So Raven (unfortunately for me, however, I can’t see into the future). To make myself feel better about having the maturity of a toddler at age 30, I decided to compile the most ridiculous birthday wish list ever. Because if I have learned anything from Extreme Makeover Home Edition, it’s that materialism solves all of life’s problems. Yay!

Here we go!

1. iPhone case from Exovault. $185.

Remember when phones used to cost, like, $99? Well now just the case costs twice that. But honestly, once you see how pretty this brass/wood case is how could you not want it? The only bummer is that when they replace the new iPhone with a new one this summer, your ridiculously pricey case will be obsolete. Perhaps a good reason to keep your current iPhone forever…

2. Birds of North America t-shirt from Etsy. $15.

You know I would totally wear this without irony. And everyone would be happy.

3. New Shoes from Toms. $69.

It’s important to be comfortable in your own shoes, especially if you’re uncomfortable about turning 30.

4. Leather Holdall from Mulberry. $1850.

Because everyone should put their sweaty disgusting gym clothes in a $2000 bag.

5. Converse Jack Purcell. $80.

These cute shoes make me want to dance on a boat.

6. Boots from H By Hudson. $199.

I need these because my other H by Hudson boots have gotten so much use that they now look like hobo boots, exposed toes and all.

7. Anthology of a Decade by Hedi Slimane. $550.

I love Hedi. Thus, I deserve this $550 collection of his photographic anthologies. Not really.

8. Art by Carl Van de Roer. $Expensive.

I want these amazing photographs so that I can stare at them every day and think about my future.

9. Wool Cable Knit Rug from Rugs USA. $878.

Doesn’t this look luxurious? Wouldn’t you want to wiggle your toes in it every morning? Or rub your face all over it? Or phrase all of you statements as questions?

10. Bicycle from Bianchi. $1900.

I have wanted this bike forever, but I never noticed it came in my signature color. Until now. Need.

11. White Lacquer Bookshelves from CB2. $499.

This shelf is begging to live in my dining room. Please, don’t make it beg anymore…

12. A New Car from Volvo. $33,000.

Because every man should receive a MotherMobile for his 30th.

13. Tank Watch from Cartier. $5500.

I’ve wanted this watch since I was 16. I’m told it looks ladylike but I don’t care, I think it’s classic. Like my rugged American features.

14. Swim Trunks from Warriors of Radness. $68.

Palm Trees + Aqua = My Ideal Swimsuit

15. Custom-Fit Solid Oxford from Polo Ralph Lauren. $98.

I love these. I bought a pink one about 9 years ago and it still looks great. A staple for any preppy wardrobe.

16. Photograph by David Benjamin Sherry. $20,000.

A. I love color. B. This picture of my hometown. C. Why didn’t I think of this?

17. Vintage Interview Magazine from Ebay. $29.

I have a thing for vintage Interview Magazines. Especially ones that were released when Warhol was still alive (sidenote: did you know he started that magazine?). Totally amazing cover art and ridiculous 80s celebrity interviews and editorials.

18. Multicolored Mixing Bowl Set from the Moma Store. $34.95.

I need mixing bowls that secretly advocate the Homosexual Agenda by referencing the rainbow flag.

19. Down Sweater from Patagonia. $200.

Because the only thing better than staying warm is knowing that everyone else knows your jacket was expensive.

20. Giants Cap from 59Fifty. $21.

I want this. Mainly to appease my Giants-oriented family, who is outraged at my LA Dodgers cap accessorizing. Also, that gold is pretty delightful.

21. Japanese Inspired Wall Sculpture from Monument. $2800.

I saw this in San Francisco at Monument’s incredible store and fell in love. Totally weird and 60s, but hey, in 30 more years I’ll be totally weird and 60s, too.

22. Circular Mirror from Organic Modernism. $275.

Round mirrors make you happy. It’s a scientific fact.

23. Zip Up Leather Jacket from Vince. $975.

I don’t own a leather jacket. Which really is a travesty. I have an imitation leather jacket from Zara that my mom likes to call “that plastic jacket.” My life is so hard. Help me, please!

24. Pencils from Paper Pastries. $11.

I want to go back to writing everything by hand. With these pencils. That celebrate California, our great Golden State.

25. Seersucker Placemats from West Elm. $14.

Yeah, I know, boring! But I really love hosting dinner parties and I have no placemats. I thought these were pretty adorable.

26. Blue Swim Trunks from Olasul. $130.

I also want those abs for my 30th birthday but I’m not sure I can pull that off in a week…

27. All-Clad Cookware Set from Williams-Sonoma. $1600.

I want these pots and pans so I can have another thing to obsessively scrub after dinner.

28. A Subscription to Flaunt Magazine. $190.

I have loved this magazine since I was a teenager. But why is the subscription SO expensive? I heard it’s because they use pure gold instead of paper to print it.

29. Brass Bottle Opener from OK. $40.

Because using an ugly bottle opener is for twentysomethings.

30. House/Studio Space/Artist Commune, Offered Up By Sotheby’s. $5,750,000.

I want this giant house so I can start an artist commune where I’d make everyone change their names to Ezekial and they’d have to earn their keep by tilling the organic farm. Then we make paintings together and have activist knitting circles where we’d talk about how to get George Bush out of office (we’d have no TV or internet, so we’d have no way of knowing what was going on in the news). This house would definitely complete my life.

I hope this post has taught you about the importance of conspicuous consumption and how buying me things will make me feel okay about turning 30. I will be writing soon about my uber top secret birthday plans, which include drinking wine whilst sitting on a log and running though the fields of Yosemite staring at the stars. Because that’s what 30 year olds do.

Love,
Orlando