Don’t Be A Square! (Unless You’re A Bathtub)

Dear Nerds,

You know how everyone used to make fun of you and call you “Square”? Well, now that being a nerd has been trendy for years, you can just come out and be free and proud to be Square. And you know who else should be proud to be square? Bathtubs. Because what could be more glamorous than a rectangular bathtub (aside from a candlelit dinner with Jake Gyllenhaal where you both suck on the same piece of spaghetti until you accidentally kiss)? A new client wants a glamourous rectangular bathtub, so we’ve been seeking them out. Here’s a few I like…

This was my favorite rectangular tub (by Agape). The only thing I didn’t like about it was the $25,000 price tag…

I like that this one is a little bit less contemporary. The gallery wall behind definitely helps it feel a little more cozy.

Um, hi! That breeze blowing in the window. I want to live in there!

I like this square tub because it’s just a normal tub in a rectangular encasement. Designer square tubs are kinda pricey so this a good way of getting that angular look without spending all the extra money on a luxurytub.

This tub in in my best friend’s house. It’s, like, gigantic and totally amazing.

This is another Agape tub. Super expensive but super pretty.

Oh wait, these next few tubs are also Agape. Apparently I only like really expensive bathtubs. I hate myself.

This one is so simple and uncomplicated. Unlike you and me.

I think everyone is entitled to a huge window next to their tub. It’s a basic human right.

Ooooh so many pretty greys. Sometimes I love grey so much that I want to organize a Grey Pride Parade.

This is another traditional application of the square tub. Totally classic and totally pretty. And those lucite legs underneath the sink. Pure delight.

I just realized after writing this whole stupid post that I haven’t taken a bath since, like 1991. So why am I wasting all this time fantasizing about bathtubs? Is it wrong that I still yearn for a rectangular tub? I just want to look at it, to keep it company, to sing it songs on its birthday. Is that so wrong? Stop judging me. I’m so scared.

Love,
Orlando

PS: I also just realized that I don’t really know the difference between a rectangle and a square. I mean, I guess I remember that “a square is a rectangle but a rectangle is not necessarily a square.” But that didn’t stop me from calling rectangular bathtubs “square” now did it? Whatever, I’m never going to be a geometry professor so who cares. SO WHAT?