Martha! Martha! Martha!

Dear Martha Lovers,

One time, in kindergarten, our teacher asked us to draw a picture of what we would look like when we were 40. I basically drew a picture of my father (who has black hair and a mustache) with wrinkles and worms crawling out of his face. My perception was that as soon as I turned 30 I would immediately start decomposing and turn into a zombie. I hope that premonition wasn’t true…

In other news, do you ever find yourself looking at Martha Stewart, saying to yourself HOMEGIRL LOOKS GOOD! I mean, the woman is 70 years old! And I’ve never seen one single worm crawling out of her face! She used to be a model, which is probably why she’s still so hot. Apparently Martha has been modeling since she was 15. Which is kind of shocking if you think about it. She has been working since she was a teenager and she WONT STOP. During a time of life when most women are ready to play grandma and bake pies, she’s still playing mom (to all of America) and, well, baking pies. Clearly a driven woman. Here are some pictures from her modeling years for you to feast your eyes upon. That’s a good thing!

So I guess the moral of the story is that if you want to age well, you should become a model at 15. Get married, start a catering business. Then get divorced, start a media empire, go to jail, and regain popularity immediately. I’m screwed. I have to go now. To prepare myself for those face worms…

Love,
Orlando